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Detection the Relationship Psychology Way
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There has been too much hype, of late, about the perils of internet dating. So much so, that newbies might be tempted to opt out before entering. It is time to reset perspective to counter the constant admonitions not to trust, not to take the slightest risk, and to start every meeting and relationship with the assumption that the other is lying big time and is manipulative to the nth degree. All of which makes for a very colorless and mundane existence. Every encounter will be tinged with distrust and doomed from the start. Is that really the way you want your life to unfold? By the same token, that does not mean that you abandon all caution and plunge head first into a sea where a few predators and stalkers lie in wait. And where almost everybody lies to some degree. Little lies. Big lies. Outright deception. Have you ever wondered how you got to your present age still relatively intact? Somewhere along the line, should you not have been done in by surrounding dangers and risk factors everywhere? But you did survive, with nary a scar. Didn't you? The point is that just like change is inevitable in everyone's life, so is risk. Although change can be self-directed and risk can be managed, neither can be completely eliminated. A totally sterile existence is not only unattainable but also undesirable. Manageable risk, in any area of life, adds spice and excitement and challenge that makes one grow and mature. Very few people can resist the lure of a little lie when filling out their dating site profile. It is human nature to want to present oneself in the best light. Are you a purist about lying? Or just lying to yourself? Never shaved your age a tad? Hardly ever reset your scales to reflect a newer thinner you? Just a social drinker by your definition? And a non-smoker for at least two days prior? With a job description that implies lots of authority and responsibility? Or suddenly a consultant while looking for another job? Had a recent photo retouched to remove a nasty blemish and a few wrinkles? Or a profile lightly edited by a fiction writer? You have lots of company when it comes to little lies. They are expected by the initiated who read between the lines. Your degree of tolerance and acceptance will increase as you go through the learning curve and find out that everyone does it a tad. It is the bigger deceptions and the outright fabrications that can be unnerving, although they are usually few and far between. Women masquerading as men and vice versa. Children playing adults. Call guys and dolls working the net instead of the streets. Foreign women or men a continent away. Financial con artists intent on separating you from your pocketbook. Also, the men or women who are married with family. And the ones who insist on a quick meet and a long night. And those who give you addresses which subsequently turn out to be wrong. Notwithstanding, internet dating has now become mainstream. It is the wave of the present and the only way to go. There is no need to look elsewhere but there is a need to become savvy. In addition to all the dating safety advice you can sift through on the internet sites, much of which is sound, all of which gives the impression that you are in imminent danger every time you pass the point of no return by giving your telephone number or agreeing to meet in person, there are three things you can and should do in most cases. First, learn to look for words, in emails and/or subsequent phone conversations, that will give you an indication of how the other processes information, as explained below. It is a stepping stone to getting to know that person better. Second, before you meet in person, run a background check to confirm the information you have gathered during the course of your communication by mail and phone. More on that below. Third, find out how to detect lies by observing the other's eye movements when you ask certain sense-based questions. You probably do not realize that Relationship Psychology has devised a method of telling whether a person is remembering the truth or constructing a lie. Much more on that later. Some of the usual caveats first. Later, what to do about the crazies and the stalkers. Men, of course, frequently hide behind a macho shield and are less concerned about dating safety than women. But men also should take heed, because so many have been conned on the internet, and a growing number have run afoul of the criminal codes when they unwittingly interact with minors posing as grownups. So do not reveal your address until you get to know each other better. Do not let him or her pick you up at your residence. Make sure you arrive at the destination separately. Make sure it is during daylight. Make sure it is a public place. Make sure you park a distance from the entrance. Make sure you tell someone where you are going and arm that person with the name, rank and telephone number of the other. Make sure you have a cell phone with you. And so on. Such tactics, on everyone's 101 list, will probably insulate you from harm, although there is no guarantee. But is it really the way you want to proceed? Does it make you feel that you might as well meet in a hospital emergency room where presumably everything is germ-free and you have instant access to medical care you might require after you are attacked by the cad or cadess? The point being that you should not carry your safety concerns to an extreme. By far, the sanest approach you can take is set forth below. And the bottom line is that you should take your time before meeting in person. You should get to know the other well before the first meeting. That is the beauty of internet dating -- anonymity until you decide to change it. Let's cut to the chase and talk about the three things that are the lynch pins of risk management. First, email analysis. Second, background checks. Third, lie detection at the first meeting. A number of emails back and forth, plus subsequent telephone conversations, should furnish you with loads of information to analyze, provided your communications have been peppered with questions. You should get rid of any mindset that you are unnecessarily prying because of questions that you ask. The process of turning a stranger into someone you trust starts with such give and take. Disclosure, up to a point, is necessary as a preamble to a personal meeting. If the other balks at answering your questions, your caution flags should be flying, because you very well might be receiving a lot of wind and hot air. Everyone has a dominant sense that is relied upon for communication. Forty-Five Percent depend upon their sense of sight. Fifteen Percent rely upon their sense of hearing. And Forty Percent use their senses of touch or feeling (called kinesthetic). If you see or hear a preponderance of such sense-based words, it is a good indication of the representational mode that person prefers using. For example, visual person will use mostly visual-type words when writing or talking, such as "see what you mean", "looks interesting",or "coming into focus". Want to establish quick rapport with that person. Just reply in visual terms. For example, "got the picture", or "beginning to see the light. An auditory person will use mostly auditory-type words when writing or talking, such as "thatsounds like", "hear what you're saying", or "that rings a bell". Want to establish quick rapport? Just reply in auditory terms. For example, "let's talk about", or "tell me what" A kinesthetic person will use mostly kinesthetic-type words when writing or talking, such as "feels like", "that touches me", or "hand-on approach". Want to establish quick rapport with that person. Just reply in kinesthetic terms. For example, "fits like a glove", or "how do you feelabout" When you feed back the same type of words the other has indicated, the rapport is almost instant. Everyone feels more comfortable with a person who talks his or her language. Relationship Psychology has provided a wonderful method for determining if a person is lying. By watching involuntary eye movements in response to certain questions, you tell whether that person is accessing a memory that is true or fabricating a lie. Here is the kicker. Regardless of what the dominant mode is -- visual or auditory or kinesthetic (touch or feeling), and the words used in general conversation, that person's eyes, no matter what mode is dominant, will always respond to sensory questions the same way. That person's eyes will move in a certain direction when telling the truth, because the memory is being accesssed, and in another direction when lying, because the response is being fabricated. Generally speaking, the eyes of a right-handed person will go up and to his or her left when remembering the truth and up and to his or her right when fabricating a reply that is not true. About 10% of all people are left-handed so they will evidence similar responses, but in reverse. The eyes will move up and to the right when they access their memory for a truthful reply and will move up and to the left when fabricating a lie. The beauty about this technique is that you do not have to assume what the eye movements will be. You can check it out by asking simple questions. Even if the person is left-handed, you will know that individual's eye movements. The process of checking is called 'calibration'. First, you ask a memory access question where you know the answer is obvious. For example, "What month is this?" If the eyes of someone right-handed move up and to his or her left as the answer is given, it confirms this particular person is telling the truth. Next, you ask a question where he or she will have to fabricate the response. For example, "What would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?"
Since he or she will have to construct the response, the eyes of a right-handed person should move up and to his or her right as the answer is given. That is the pattern you will see when you ask one of your information check questions."
Play with the technique before you try it out at your first meeting. It will not take long for you to be able to use it effectively. It will serve a second purpose as well, because it will enable you to establish and maintain eye contact with the other.
Internet dating has grown in almost unbelievable fashion. It draws more traffic than any other type of site and continues to attract ever-increasing numbers of singles looking for companionship, romance, and love.
That is why it has become acceptable to check the background of anyone you contemplate meeting in person and to verify the information you have obtained in your initial emails and phone conversations. Not to do so is inviting possible disaster.
It has never been easier because everything you will want to know is already on the internet. All that you need is guidance and links and there is a do-it-yourself site that has as large a data base as you would ever need. It is a professional level investigative service.
The name of the site is Web Detective. For only $29.95 you get lifetime access to thousands of links, constantly updated and maintained. It does not matter whether you check out hundreds over the years. There is no additional charge.
Is it legal? And just what will you be able to do?
The Federal Freedom of Information Act allows for the public viewing of thousands of types of records, be they criminal, property, background, or whatever.
None of the Web Detective resources are illegal, or will allow you to perform an illegal search. Also, no one need know you are investigating them, if you want it that way.
The program is very easy to use. Even a total internet beginner can use the program without difficulty. There are tutorials that help you figure out how to conduct online and offline investigations.
Just to cite a few of the things you can find out about the person you are planning to meet: public records for every state and county, source for FBI files and credit reports, unlisted phone numbers, owners of cell phone numbers, criminal and driving records, birth and marriage and divorce records, addresses, property information, drivers license information, etc.
If you do not want to do it yourself, there are a number of sites where you can order a background search, in complete anonymity if that is what you desire.
USA Records Search will do a 'Safe-Date Report' for $60, provided you have the social security number of the person. If not, it will cost you $75.
This report on your date often includes: subject’s name, alias names, most current address, previous address, telephone number, and date of birth. The data is linked to possible relatives which enables you to cross reference the findings with known information.
In addition, you can get a complete public record profile regarding your date. Find out about real property ownership, bankruptcies, tax liens, judgments, UCC filings, aircraft, water craft, stock ownership information, and other important details. Turn around time is 48 hours allowing for e-mail delays.
Checkmate is based in England but operates extensively in the USA and Canada.
For $29, you can have your prospective date's address and social security number checked.
For $49, you can get a standard background check, which includes such things as residents of the household, telephone numbers, bankruptcies search, vehicles owned, license information, average income in neighborhood and average cost of residences there, etc.
Two background check sites, one for male searches and one for female searches, are extensively used. Who Is He and Who Is She are popular.
Basic background check is $39. Criminal or civil check is $45. A complete background check is $75. The techniques described above constitute just a small part of the
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