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If your workday is long and you are tired at the end, how effective will your internet dating efforts be? Even more important, how will you find time to balance your life so that it also includes a social component. Alternatively, if you are a stay at home parent, daily or on weekends, taking care of parental business, how can you socialize and then date? Everyone has a load to bear, real or imagined, with varying degrees of severity. Saying or thinking it is not fair will never solve problem. As is so often the case, fairness is irrelevant. What is apropos, is the attitude and activities you apply to form your dating pattern. It is frequently possible to do both. All that is necessary is to sprinkle attitude on the pattern you develop. Whether your workday is outside or inside your house, or in a group setting or in solo fashion, you should develop a daily regimen that blends production and pleasure. If you do that, you will not only develop, in a short period of time, the smarts to succeed in the internet dating environment, but also evidence a more enjoyable attitude toward work or duties, whatever they may be. Too many people just go with the flow, griping because it is necessary to toil away in order to feed themselves and family, or take care of children and household chores, instead of doing what they would really like or else doing nothing at all. The key to finding time for internet dating activity and conquering work blahs at the same time is to segment the daily pattern, then embed some pleasure into each. Although everyone's story is unique and in many aspects different, the following case history illustrates what can and should be done insofar as meshing the dating pattern with the daily pattern. This was a 27-year old accountant whose divorce left him devastated, with a huge dent in the reserve he had built and visitation of his five-year old son every other weekend. Suddenly single, he was at a loss and completely out of touch with the dating scene. Although the highlight of his existence was time spent every other weekend with his son, the nights and the no-see weekends drove him up a wall. His work suffered as well. It became a chore not looked forward to. In short, his life had changed for the worse, through no fault of his own, since his ex-wife had been the one who had walked away from the marriage. After a few months, he found himself moving lethargically through each day and week, wanting desperately to find someone he could share his life with, knowing that the bar scene and blind date route were not for him. Someone in his office convinced him that the dating sites on the internet were not only the way to go, but were also the wave of the present. With a little coaching, he ventured into what was for him uncharted territory. He joined one site, went through the motions, and met with unmitigated disaster. He also found that the demands of his profession and the presence of his child on alternate weekends left precious little time to improve his situation. Here is what he did to get out of his rut. It could well serve as a model for others, with whatever adaptation is necessary for a different situation. The zen of it all crosses gender lines. He divided his day into five segments -- pre-work, morning with break halfway, lunch, afternoon with break halfway, and post-work. Then he assigned parts of the dating patterns so that they fell within the segments of the daily pattern.
For example, browsing the dating sites to get a feel for what each offered, getting up to date photographs he would subsequently post, working on his basic profile, which involved writing and rewriting headlines until he came up with one that he thought would work well, writing and rewriting the essay portions of his profile until he thought that they would stand out form the competition, deciding on what type of woman he was looking for, and so on.
He assigned each task to a segment of his work pattern. He had the use of his desktop computer at work and his laptop at home. After his segmented work stint was over, he would spend a portion of his time allotment on internet dating activity.
It was slow going at first, but as his momentum and enthusiasm increased, a faster and more natural rhythm took hold. He also found that his work became more tenable since he came to regard the dating site tasks as a reward for other work done. It also took his mind completely off the despair he had felt from the breakup.
In a few weeks, he was ready. He joined a few sites, posted his profile, searched for members whose profiles indicated similar bents and interests, and started to email those he selected and those who had 'winked' at him.
Since his background and training had made him analytical by nature, he was able to make rapid adjustments to the feedback he got and to the results of his subsequent telephone conversations and actual dates.
He found that he could work around his fixed obligations. There were even a few times when the woman he dated also had a child, and there could be daytime activities involving all.
His self-image improved by leaps and bounds. He found himself getting more proficient at establishing rapport and making friends with whomever he dated. He was careful not to leap at the first woman who evidenced a liking for him, but held out for one with the values he espoused.
All of this was done within the context of his daily pattern. His work performance returned to his previous high level. His passion for living returned and every day became one he looked forward to.
Everyone who has suffered relationship trauma has to work on replacing the bad experiences. No matter what the time demands, there is a way if you approach it in segmented fashion, step by step, as part of your daily pattern.
There is a learning curve involved but if you adjust to the feedback you get, every step of the way, you can get through it in a relatively short time and find the one you are looking for. That one could very well turn out to be the
fifth or tenth ot fiftieth, so patience must be exercised. Another dividend of his segmented approach was the positive effect on his work when he used his prospect and client conversations to improve his communication skills. It not only improved business but it built his conversational and rapport-establishng abilities with matches he found at the dating sites. He learned how to match the rate of speech and the tone and some of the expressions, and started to ask precision questions and wait for the answers.
He also looked for clues in the actual conversation which would enable him to determine whether the individual was primarily visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (touch and feeling).
He soon found himself looking forward to each call and each encounter.
Looking back from a new and very happy marriage to a woman he met on one of the sites, he offers some pertinent observations on how to keep the feeling alive and vital. He was determined not to let his new marriage slide into a daily grind. When “caring” becomes subordinated to ritual “love you” declarations, abundant day-to-day opportunities to reinforce the very foundations of a relationship are lost. Every action stemming from a desire to help the other, or from a request by the other, has to be coated with sincerity, genuine interest, and consideration. It cannot be grudgingly complied with. Each partner must take care to send a message that is clear and unambiguous. Each must be willing, within reason, to do whatever it takes and whatever the other one wants or, if that is not possible, to listen with empathy and understanding. Failure to make time to comply with requests or to sense when the other is troubled or wrestling with a problem to which support and/or solution can be given frequently indicates that priorities have been misplaced. A plea of justifiable neglect because of other pressing problems is not acceptable. There is an easy way to practice demonstrative caring. It involves representational overlap, which means bringing into play visual, auditory, and kinesthetic modes. If, every day, each of you indicates to the other that you are genuinely grateful for his or her presence in your life, it is virtually impossible for the relationship to sour.
How is that done? With a note or a gift or going some place you know will give pleasure (visual mode).
Or by telling the other
loud and clear how much you appreciate something that he or she did, or
complimenting the other on appearance or act (auditory mode).
Or by touching a certain way, or with a playful pat or caress or hug or kiss (kinesthetic). Demonstrative caring also involves a balance between ritual and spontaneity. Each is essential for a solid relationship. Try to evidence some aspect of demonstrative caring every day and make sure you do not just go through the motions when you do it.
The techniques described above constitute just a small part of the
arsenal contained at Revive Being Alive. Check it out. About The Author:
Norman J. Baratt is a successful writer and publisher of articles and books on life improvement, relationships, self help, and personal growth. Home Page | Improve Any Relationship | Personal Improvement | Revive Being Alive | Relationship Manual | Core Lore Manual | |