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Learn How To Mirror, Match, Pace, and Lead.
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Finally you meet, to discover, among other things, to find out if the chemistry is real, if the two of your are simpatico, and if the information you have received is true or false. If true, and notwithstanding all the things each of you has learned about the other, there remains the task of getting to like each other face to face, and then getting to know each other anew in a manner that makes love blossom. You realize, of course, that love needs more than just physical attraction to survive and thrive. Chemistry plus has to be the operating rule of thumb. So first things first. Getting to like means getting into synch. And getting into synch means establishing rapport from the outset. So how do you establish rapport and what exactly is it anyway? Rapport is the process of matching the speech and physical characteristics of another. It is the key to effective communication. It enables one to enter the world of that person. It establishes trust and improves interaction, particularly between two who have seen each other for the first time. Without rapport, it is difficult to sell or negotiate anything. And let's face it, a necessary prelude to friendship and love. Replicating the voice, the posture, the movements of another is a dynamic and flexible process. In its most basic form, it can be instituted very quickly. Practice on a continuing basis makes the process natural, automatic, and very effective. The theory behind rapport is that people feel more comfortable with others who evidence similarities than with people who are different. So mirroring and matching the voice and gestures and movements of another quickly develops an affinity and empathy that translates to trust and friendship and also to getting favorable responses in all manner of things. The process begins with finding out which manner of communication the other favors. Everyone has a preferred method for processing information. Some rely on sight. Others favor sound. Still others prefer touch and feelings. Although there is always some overlap, the giveaway is usually the words the person uses. If there is a preponderance of visual words, like 'I see' 'look like', 'appears that', you can safely assume that person is visually oriented. If auditory reigns supreme, there will be auditory words like 'I hear', sounds like', 'rings a bell'. And if touch and feeling dominate, there will be what is known as kinesthetic words like 'I feel', 'touched', 'grabs me'. Once you receive clues, in emails, on the phone, and certainly in person, your communication effectiveness will increase tenfold, provided you choose words that appeal to the other's dominant mode. By the same token, if your mode is different and each uses words linked to the dominant mode, it is like you are each talking a different language, and effective communication will elude you. For example, if you are visual and he or she is auditory, then one or the other or both must recognize that speech concessions must be made to improve rapport. Words are only one part of the rapport process. Other parts are related to the voice itself and to posture and breathing and gestures. Unobtrusively, you should begin to mirror the movements and attributes of the other. Breathe at the same rate. Match the posture. Duplicate the gestures. Try the same facial expressions. Establish eye contact. The idea is to immitate similarities, but not in a mocking or mimicking fashion. There are times when it will be necessary to do it in cross-mirroring fashion to avoid making the other feel uncomfortable. For example, using hand movements to cross-mirror leg movements of the other. Here is another technique that works wonders. If you want to make the other cross over to your side and your physiology, while still maintaining rapport, you have to first build the bridge by pacing his or her moves, and then gradually shift to your physiology to see if he or she follows suit. If done properly, you will find the other start to pace you. Start to watch other people interact. Notice how, if they are in rapport with one another, their physiologies converge into a matching pattern. That will convince you that it is a natural process in communication. What mirroring does is convert that process to conscious effort. This is not manipulative in any way. You need not feel that you are controlling behavior. All you are doing is improving the nature of your communication. For a detailed explanation of this and other breakthrough techniques that can help you and your significant other bond more effectively, go to Improve Any Relationship About The Author: Norman J. Baratt is a successful writer and publisher of articles and books on life improvement, relationships, self help, and personal growth. Home Page | Improve Any Relationship | Personal Improvement | Revive Being Alive | Relationship Manual | Core Lore Manual | |